Too Bad..

it's too bad that i'm missing everything now. i'm missing Auckland damn much, i missing Brisbane, i'm missing those days in Kuching... all my escapism places. :(


i'm in the state where my emotion is weak. when i open my eyes in the morning, i see my window clearly but the image of small window that i had in Hudson Brown even clearer than that. as i wanna go to bathroom and i wake up from the bed, i can see my bathroom that i had in Hudson Brown instead of my room door. i miss taking hot shower. :'(


i miss walking down the stairs and open the door and call " Coca! come here honey!" , i miss seeing her walking slowly like she couldnt care less but she's actually really wanna follow me up to my room. then we'll have evening nap together. :'(


i miss walking back from uni and stop by the Asean supermarket that we had in front of our house to buy fruit and stuff to cook. i miss windy auckland so much n harbour n queen street. i miss listening to music when i enter the shops and stop by to buy ice cream from Giapo or fried chicken from Mid City Kebab. :(


i missing Sheryll, Christine. Jonnevie, Jack, Paris, Jason , Ann Dunphy.. i missing MATES, i'm missing esquire, everysing, countdown, harbour, pond in front of my house, im missing uni..




i wanna come back to Auckland..really much. :(


too bad that im missing everything now..

:: Safe & Sound ::

uncertain feeling indeed. am i feel like comforting others or being comforted by someone? dear you, i'll be by ur side. and we'll always be safe and sound...

Taylor Swift - Safe And Sound Lyrics (Ft. The Civil Wars)

[Taylor Swift]
I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound...

Junior!

so yeah. here i am again. after all the ups and downs. i'm finally in a mood of writing again.too many things to talk about. i plan to do sumthing ' good' in my blog rather than just mumbling bout my own regularly-sad-personal-life. i hope i would be able to do that later and we'll see how it goes.

so, update for today. it's about Junior. Junior is a little orange color cat who'straying around this block. and no one wanted to take care of him so me n Fana, being a cat lover, gave him a little bit a lots of attention, including providing him with shelter, food and entertainment. entertainment sounds weird tho. hahahaha. i mean we befriend with him and yeah, spending some times to play with him and at times, be a sleeping mate too. ^^

it happened that Junior loves to 'poo-poo' in front of others' room. so people are easily get pissed off with him and they decided to sent him somewhere outside this college. i imagine how it's gonna be if Junior is sent to a wet market or a restaurant. will people there treat him kindly? after a thorough consideration over this matter ( which took me 3 days), i decided to do this for Junior. Tadaaa!

hope this little effort would give Junior a better life as he might be allowed to stay here forever. i'll take the responsibility and that's it. have a happy life yukkk Junior!

:: A Lost Heart ::

I asked myself, 

' do u really need 'someone' to go trough ur life now and then?'

 i'v been asking myself this question since years ago and lately i'v even asked myself more frequently. Finally, i guess i know the answer. i NEED my FAMILY, that is definite. i need my FRIENDS who i know for years specifically in RPS, MRSM Kuantan and Matriculation. and i, seriously need to go trough this life by my own, without worries and fears, with a confidence that i'll be able to do that and i NEED ALLAH to always be with me.

i know and i do think bout it. i'm a normal human being.i observe people around me and learn about life from them. i know there are things that people will aim to achieve and consider as an 'achievement' or be proud of being succeeded in pursuing it. example --> marriage. simple as that.

as i told, i'v been thinking bout that and having 'someone' is really a big question mark. No joke.  i'v no answer, no hunch to tell me a hint at least, no desire to, and i'm failed in anticipating my own life. so suddenly comes this saying, a person who fail to plan is actually plan to fail. sigh. I DONT WANNA CARE, that's what i feel now. 

i appreciate people around me.i appreciate whoever comes to be by my side, to be my friend, to spend their time with me, to make me happy and feel special..so much thanks! i'm seriously feeling so thankful to these people and always pray that ALLAH will ease  their way and help them to find whatever they seek in their life.i pray that i wont take them for granted and would be able to treat them in the best way that they deserve to get.

for all the questions that i had,

my heart told me,

" i would rather and more than happy to have friends, good friends, or best friends of different gender- instead of having them as a boyfriend. i'm happy to spend my time with them, have a good chat each time we meet or talk on phone, listen to probs (including his probs bout his girl) and lend a hand whenever needed. a good female friend will be better idea indeed, but at this age its hard to find one coz people are bz searching for their soul mate or catching up with old friends, and making new BFF somehow creates more probs as they suddenly will treat u like a rival a.k.a future enemy.  in fact, i already have a lotsss of besties now (girls) and i would love to keep them as that many , not to add more coz i dont wanna divide my attention into smaller pieces. i want to love them with all my heart and  to just let it stay that way. i have no worry if my heart will feel 'empty' coz the 'emptiness' is always there till i doubt if i can stand a new feeling which is to fall in love, expecting and hoping again but at the end the reality will kill me. so, i rather have best friends who will never betray me and i'l be happy to wish them a best of luck in their life. that way, i'll always be by their side and they wont lose me and i wont lose them too. it sounds crazy but no one knows, it is the best that i can do and offer, and i'm being fair to everyone coz to let the whole story revealed is not a good idea.it's a waste coz people wont be as that understanding unless they are also have been in the same shoes as u do. full stop."

... the small voice in my heart says , 

or maybe i dont have my heart anymore coz it has been taken away, far2 away and it has lost it senses....

:: GLAD ::

Alhamdulillah. thanks Allah. I'm Glad!

i'm glad coz today, M has finally sent us a good news. a very good news indeed. she's recovered. she sounded happy. she's back to herself that we used to know before. she is our M, a happy go lucky girl with a strong heart.

I feel happy for her and I thanks Allah for that. Allah listened to my prayers. Allah brings M back to us, tho we can't be together again this year but at least I know she'll be more that ok to go through her final year of degree next year. I hope she will stay strong as she always b.

this good news, has brushed away all the bruises and wounds that i have inside my heart after i was being accused by someone for making M suffers and leaving the college. since that day, i prayed hard to Allah to forgive my sins and to give M strength to live her life as normal as she can, as happy as it should be. I 'told' Allah how i never have any intentions to put down M nor to leave her alone and be someone selfish. Allah knows what really happened that day and why it happened that way. Allah knows best and this is Allah's answer to me. thank you O' Allah. 

'mum' was rite. i should have ignored that person and whatever she has said coz she isn't rite. she never knew the real situation and she just simply accused me with all those bad words coz she's looking for someone to put the blame on or maybe becoz she never liked me. i dont mind. she's not worth to be my friend if she only has bad thoughts about me while i never did such things to her let alone to spread bad words about her to people around. life can be so mean at times. :(

well, there's go a saying, there will be rainbow after rain..and now after all the storms and thunders, i see the rainbow again and M's smile is just like a sunshine that lighten up my days. thanks you ALLAH, 'mum' and M. Hugs! ;)

what's ur problem??

Others are really have nothing to do with my life. I accept wholeheartedly if they want to be around with sincere heart coz i also hope i can be sincere too. i appreciate people who come into my life and for all the good things i learn from them, i'll be thankful. Otherwise, i wont care much if I need to be all by myself coz its easier. i dont have to depends on others and i can be independent. most important thing is, i wont need to involve too many hearts in my daily life decisions and i wont interfere in others' affair which i supposed not to be involved in. that's it.

I have looked tru my life, all the ups and downs, all the mistakes that i hv unintentionally done, and think and hope that ALLAH only wanna show me that life teaches us to grow mature and be a better person. who wants to be selfish, no one wants. people are all imperfect so am i. coz im a typical n normal human being who falls and stands up again to wipe the bruises and learns  sumthing from that. no one wants to be born as a bad human being so if i ever did sumthing wrong to anyone, why do u only look at the negative side of it? i can accept advices but lets us see first who is talking there. if u r talking but not looking at mirror first, then how it would help? 

i'm learning. and i'm fine with myself now. i just dont want to be disturbed. i dont wanna involve in anyone's life coz im not interested in it, im not interested in listening to others' affair n need to be at one side only just to please them, and im not interested to be a liar coz i need to pretend like a good someone in front of others but talking bad about them behind their back. why are u feeling so unease if im happy living my life alone? why do u want me to be rounded by many people and get probs coz of that?what's ur prob??  

:: take me back ::

whoever you are, 

if you can take me back to Auckland,

 to live my life, 

as modest as I used to live before, 

I will marry you.