Sabar. Sabar. Sabar.

so my salary issues hasn't been settled.a very long wait indeed.lots of important things can't be settled as well, hanging or might not be settled at all. but since it just not me alone facing this prob but another 3 part time lecturers as well, we just pray that we manage to stay patient and hope that everything will be easier n smoother next time. it just so sad to hear from a colleague that she's also penniless now and do not know how to survive coz she has to juggle with her job in Ipoh n Tluk Intan as well as with her PhD. while another said she felt sorry for us coz tho she hasn't got her pay, atliz she is married and has 'someone' to be relied on. i have learnt too many things throughout these 3 awful months.

1) even thought this is somehow too much to be bear with, i'm still grateful coz it somewhat makes me having more friends in the college as we, all the part-timers have started become close to each other and shared lots of things about teaching. ALHAMDULILLAH.

2) one of the friends told me she has one terrible class to manage where students r so rude and never care to respect her at all.while in my case, the three classes (150 students) that i'm taking care of are super duper awesome. they are nice students who listen to me, do and submit works on time, absent with proper MC and letter of apology for me, funny and friendly, and most interesting, when we had a crazy 8 hours class on Saturday where we had to take break for 3 times, they never tried to escape/go back to room but come back on time to continue the class with the same number of people . trust me, i never have raised my voice in front of them. ALHAMDULILLAH. :')

3) i might hate the fact that the company didn't pay me on time, but i can't hate this place as well coz i did find tranquility in my job. each time i came back from work, i felt content and happy coz my students were well-behaved. at times, when i recall the incidents that happened in the class, i could just laugh. we had good times in class.i never experienced any 'stress' that i used to feel in my practicum phase back then in JB. they made my days! ALHAMDULILLAH.

4) i think Allah has listened to my prayers. i prayed to HIM to please not to test me on something that's beyond my ability to endure. I prayed for HIM to ease us ( me and my students) in fulfilling our responsibilities and also in our journey of seeking and sharing the knowledge. and yes, ALHAMDULILLAH, i believed HE did that.

5) For whatever happens now (not being paid on time and uncertain news about posting), myb it's just a sign that Allah wants to test my patience coz the more He testing me, the more i become close to him. i can feel the love despite all the hardships and pains. so, SABAR. SABAR. SABAR. i have too much reasons to be grateful, thankful and smiled with, so i just hope this is how i can survive until i could see the rainbow again. Mira Mir Shaza Shazana the friends and sisters who always r listen and gimme strength, may Allah be close to ur side as well. I ♥ U! :)

# self-motivation #Teacher'sDiary #superbroke

| need not |

it has been months! n i could not believe it that the 'months' that i should pass patiently is reaching its end. i was super duper bz with practicum that i had no time for myself. not even hv any time to make a quick visit to my own blog. i didnt remmber what was the last thing that iv written here.i hv devoted all my times for these few months to practicum and to my life as a new inexperienced English teacher in STAR 1. u see, i did not even have time to tell that im actually doing my practicum at STAR 1, a boys' school. terrific but awesome moments too.

so, my life has changed bit by bit.  I have lived and still living a new way of life where i take risk *lots of risks* in everything that im doing. i challenged myself by making a big decision to move on. like really2 move on n live with it. live my life with the feeling hidden inside but smile and act like nothing happens coz thats how it shud be in the future. Untill i get used to it n really have actually let go- then i know that im absolutely fine. ehem. *cough* i am fine now-seriously. but at times, i do remmber. n when we talk, n decide, n retell the stories, reminiscing the moments, i still cry.why? coz all those are too sweet to be forgotten. i cant forgive myself for being too weak n fragile,but i believe, time will heal us. and someone in the future will give us strength to accept that our life meant for something else. yes, a someone-  his  n mine.

those time ( few weeks or months ago), i did try to open my heart n let someone else to enter. but i just realised, i need not a special someone. never. i just need a good friend to be around coz i dont want to have any commitment. i dont wanna get involved with any heart n feeling stuff anymore (at this moment) but it just too hard to be avoided. even if i am ok, like seriously feeling-less n ok, the other party isn't. and it is - uncontrollable. so i end up breaking up so many hearts n i cry. coz i hate it when i hurt people who is being nice to me, and when i couldnt repay all the 'kindness' that they hv done. i bet i'll get a punishment. life has karma, so i'll be hurt too. that thought really freaks me out but i wish, instead of being punished, i'll find a right one who will love me endlessly regardless all my weaknesses. 

... and so, to conclude , im really happy with my life now. and i'm fine to live it just like this. but i hope n pray that i wont hurt anyone else more after this. i have had it enough. and to u, whoever has been there to spare me some great times but ended up being hurt badly, im really2 sorry. i wished to be a good friend, i wished to make everyone happy, but im just a normal human being, i cant satisfy everyone. im just a small girl with nothing but a heart - a heart that is still learning n struggling to 'breath' the way it used to be, to recover from a damage and to take its own time to be able to consider it never knows. I leave it to ALLAH to decide fo the best while i'll keep praying....

a moment that leads to a new beginning of life. may ALLAH ease.

:: Finally ::

i think she has made a wise decision. that is the best for her. i wont blame her nor say she is selfish. she isn't. i understand her. even me myself hoping to escape from the reality that has been burdening me for all this while, so why shud she bear it? i guess God only wants to help her.

don't feel guilty sis. u are no wrong. ALLAH surely will protect u and grand u with happiness soon.

:: Waiting ::

I've been waiting for snow. like ages. I'v been carrying this feeling since i came back from South Island. n now, knowing that some parts of North Island are getting snow but not in my place, i feel sad.

i wanna see snow. wouldn't it come here.. before i leave this place forever?

will God listen to my prayer?

:: SNow in Welly ::

Wellington da turun snow. Auckland bile lagi??

 :'(

kedudukan Auckland dalam peta sangat jauh ketengah North Island. So, x mungkin la akan ade snow kt Auckland. Kalau Welly lain la, welly tu kat hujung north yg da dekat2 dengan South Island yg, memang bersnow. so tahun ni, tuhan bagi anugerah salji kat Wellington. mesti seronok kan? khabarnye Snow fall akan berlaku di hujung2 Auckland, tpi kt area2 peak Waitekere, kt Coromandel Peninsula. Coromandel pun dah 5 jam dari Auckland Central. hmmm. 

Sekarang da macam ade hobi baru pulak. asek2 tengok weather forecast. tengok south island.. tengok welly.. sume pun bersnow. rindu nye pada south island.. rindu sangat.. setiap kali teringat, ade perasaan yg sebak. macam ternanti2 sesuatu yg jauh. yg xpasti. yg dirindui. sobb~ (emo)

Ya ALLAH.. lagi 3 bulan lebih je nak blik Malaysia. tapi sayang nye nak tinggalkn New Zealand. nak tengok snow. nak bangun pagi, tengok luar tingkap and nampak snow turun... 

ada ke peluang tu...suatu masa nanti..? 

:'(

|| 100th post ||

this is my 100th published post, so yeay! yeay for it is a February post. 

my 23rd birthday is coming. and February really makes me reminisce bout my past times. bout three years ago, about the most memorable birthday gift i ever had. 

i wonder what i'l get on my birthday this year. somebody is wishing for a future soul mate for his beday. should i wish for dat too? i almost give up and never wanna believe anymore dat a guy who is nearly perfect is exist. but these few days back, i have found one. not to say that im crush over him, NO,it just I finally know this kind of man is still exist. but rare. one in thousands i guess. lucky for the girl who will be his wife .

suddenly im back to my previous stage. when i dream bout someone 'perfect' for me to be lived with til i die. this dream is always stay fresh , makes me longing for someone. someone i dont know who. n nver know if he still alive, or if he is exist and meant for me. but the feeling of longing-ness is coming back to me now. i cant do anything but wait. wait till Allah allows me to meet him. and only if  Allah allows my life to be easier soon, i'l be the happiest person in the world. for now, i just can let Allah to decide. may something good comes to me this year, on my birthday. amin..

*Thanks ALLAH for blessing and protecting me. alhamdulillah...*

|| Reality ||

i guess i never wrote bout this before, but today i really feel like writing it. this will be my 99th published post after almost 3 years of blogging.

well, my life ain't go so well after my matriculation year. i went true lotsa hardships and dat has changed me entirely and made me became a different person. i couldnt really describe how different i have become but i know, somehow it is just normal to be changed coz everybody experiences changes in their lives.how they change, dat's another story.

when i'm approaching the age of 23, i see world in different view. what life offers me, what can i do, what i need to achieve...all are ways too different compared to few years back. and being a girl, this age really gives me a duty. tho i never care bout how much my age has become, i have people around me who keep on reminding me bout my duty. yes, it's always in indirect ways but i never hv failed to give good interpretations bout it. i know what it means so well.

it's a miracle that suddenly when i become a big girl, i become a best friend of my mum. so she is. she is my bestie. she always tells me, we have few things in common. but among of  those similarities, she doesnt want me to feel the pains that she had felt before. she wants the best for me but im always at fault coz i constantly chose the wrong ways.

as im getting older and hoping myself getting wiser, i can see what she said was rite. im making my way to walk on the safe path now. i need courage and it's difficult to do.i always need to remind myself to be patient and face the reality. i have too much worries and scared of unnecessary things, people said. but they never know all these worries are based. i cried over things that haunt me coz somehow i do feel scared of them. dad knows bout that, and i know i made him upset. i have no regret for who i am, but i know to make an amendment, it is too far from possible and out of my ability.

so i finally make up my decision, i wont think bout future things too much now. i rather live like this and let thing happens da way it wanna be happened. i will never make any plans, or dream of anything. coz the burden hits me even more vigorously now. i cant take it out of my mind nor to pretend it is not a part of my life. what i need to do is to face it, and yes, the truth is, IT IS DIFFICULT! may ALLAH bless me, guide me, and let me be close to HIM, forever... 

|cry|

I need to cry. yes, im crying. 

~0ranGeVaNilla~

unstoppable.

it's whirling over and over again ,


                                                                    in my head.


                                                                                                                                      unstoppable.

*sigh*

~0ranGeVaNilla~

|| Different ||

Different

fairy tales are not mine to own,

happy ending love stories stay in the screen,

romance novels are only the solution,

to dream to have a perfect companion.

what does love mean?

how does love feel like?

ordinary dictionaries fail to define

and observations r dumbfounding

why am i so different?

last night, last two night, last year, or since ever

i heard a giggle right beside my pillow

i sensed a smile from blooming heart

that was because of love.

and right on my pillow,

i had a damp from drops,
i felt a sharp pain inside,

 was that also because of love?

why is it so different?

....is this  really love?

~0ranGeVaNilla~

So not like home.

why i'm always be a person who lack of everything and has bad luck all da times?
i'm scared enough to do anything now coz every step i took, it was a wrong one.
why??

think this is not a good kickoff for me. i shudnt be here. i shud stay far and alone. all the sweet talks are fake. no, they might be true but it is not so right for a person like me. God, lead me please,,,lead me to the rite path.

this feeling is so not rite. im so not like im home. no. :(




~0RanGeVaNilla~

:It's always Dark before the Dawn:

I guess i'm approaching a new phase of life now. As a new year will begin in few days' time, i can see the pattern of my daily routines,how i make use of my times and what comes to my concern also slowly undergo few adjustments and changes.

i thought everything is gonna be so though and impossible. it is hard, but at the certain degree, it is also not that difficult. Thank You ALLAH! i know it is still too far to make any conclusion. i don't need the conclusion tho. for the time being, i just wanna live my life a bit better than before. i don't ask for more, but i just wanna smile and have all the pains blown away. away, with not even a tiny size of anger, revenge and unnecessary jealousy residing the little space in my heart. 

if i ask my friends, they would say, i have been wasted my precious times in Auckland for a year, A YEAR, crying over things that never worth my tears.but i wont say that. i'l say, it might be a promise that i have agreed with God  before i was born, to test my existence and obedience as His servant on this very earth. to make me become more appreciative towards and be able to value something or someone who will come in my future life better. IF it meant to be a mistake, then it was a mistake that i'v never intended to do. IF i ever knew it will end this way, i might have left long time ago, but what i did was, i tried to be the best person who devoted her promises n love with all her best. regret? i shudn't say that. bcoz when i did it, i was sincere. i have tried my best, but eventually it never turned  the way we always wanted it to be.

there are things in this life, when they are not meant for us, it will stay that way.when they cross our mind, when we try to make them become reality or to turn them upside down, that won't be happened. never ever. no matter how we believe 'everything is possible if we put an effort on it' or ' try to be a sticking finger' , if it doesn't mean for us,again,  it'll never b. i'm not trying to make people lose hope or feel demotivated here, but it's a truth. there are things like dat which people should accept as a fate. my lecturer once said, 'try to b a sticking finger and people will knock u down'. yes, dat's the mentality people nowadays have, never feel easy with what others do. but in my situation, i was not trying to be a sticking finger just to see whether people knock me down or not, cos they did knock me down, but i was believed that 'differences' do not promise our happiness, but the understandability and compatibility we have will do. but, when the understandability and compatibility are no longer there, you know what happens.

i'm on my way to search for a bright side of my journey of life. i'm seeing a very dim light in front there, and there are fireflies fly around along this pretty dark path i'm walking through. i started to see the sunshine as i open my eyes in the morning. it's still to far but i'm glad that ALLAH has guided  me till  i reached here, where finally i'm able to open my eyes n mind and see how beautiful he has created this life and be grateful to realize that life will never end just because we've lost something we treasured so much before.like a rainbow appears after rain, like there's always dark before dawn, it's always a better life for us after all the rains and storms we had to face. 

i believe, someone is getting his rainbow and sunshine too now. coz i never blame him for everything happened and never want to punish him with my anger and revenge. i have zero of those things, but thousands good things about him in my mind. he was a good person. we were a perfect lovebird,but  it was the situation which not perfect enough. and, yes. we cant decide our fate and destiny to follow our own way,coz ALLAH  always knows best. have a faith, but.. only to ALLAH. :)))))

" teman yang baik adalah teman yang sentiasa ada disisi disaat kita melalui detik-detik yang sukar dan disaat kite mahukan seseorang untuk bergelak ketawa. "

~0RanGeVaNilla~

-Sigh-

I'm counting days and having a mix feeling now. i always missing Auckland but how i'm gonna live my life makes me ponder for a while. surprisingly, my brain deny to do da job. so no conclusion gained. i wanna live it to the fullest. that's all.

I'm reminiscing what i have done since i came back here. im totally jobless and friendless. the good things happened to me were only :

1) my best friend is married

2)i went out few times and drove the car by myself

3)i can call Zana most of time to go out since she is pretty near and always free

4)i have good times resting at home

5)i'v started liking my permed hair

my life is slow and steady. few days back, i felt confusion over certain particular things. but slowly i'v stopped thinking bout it. im no more wanna give it a damn. without doing anything and being a great idler, im still feel so tired.my brain works a bit slower lately. and i can just give a sigh to myself. haihhh.

~0RanGeVaNilla~

_ c0uld be... _

could be...

the whole world is against  me,

for choosing my way like this,

for having what i have today,

i know it.

could be..

it wont turn to be reality,

it's gonna stay as a fairy tale,

which never comes true,

but the hope seems never ends too,

i know it.

could be..

i'l grow old all by myself,

but you have your life completes,

and i smile whenever i see you,

while my heart cries..

i know it.

could be..

you trying your best too,

and i cant read it..

im not patient and throw my tantrum,

but beyond it, i love you more than you can tell,

you know it.

God,

i cant lie to myself,

i cant pretend all the times..

i cant help but say...

i love him.

i love him.

forgive me..punish me..

i love him...

='(

~0RanGeVaNilla~

Happy Eid Mubarak..

Happy Eid Mubarak everyone,,,,finally,NZ got to celebrate our 1st Syawal today, 10/9/2009.
same day like Malaysia thus it makes us celebrate it 4 hours earlier than Msia and had been fasting for 29days only.
Syukran Ya ALLAH...i have my Syawal again even though its different this year. i wont be celebrating it at home, as usual . im celebrating it in foreign land, that what we have to accept as we become international students and stay far away from family.

i dont know how to describe my feeling. i was so tired that i  had to sleep early last nite but i couldnt sleep well. i kept on wake up out of sudden for few times and felt that something is missing. i dont know whether it because i feel sad of not being together with ma family today, of its because i feel sad as to many stupid things happened lately.

i do feel bad that i couldnt be with my family to celebarate Syawal especially my 1st Syawal. i cant see everyone bz preparing food with raya songs come out from everywhere as soon as i open my eyes. what i  saw today as when i opened my eyes were quite ,soundless room that belong to me, the dim light from my window as the sun just arose, and only two messages came into my hp. one from  my fren, hakim and another from my special.

then i felt sumthing missing again. still feel it till now.i feel like crying but i cant. i think i just ok to celebrate raya from far, away from my family. i can see them, i can call them tru ym, we can have vid call. i can see how they  celebrating raya,but still,i wont be same. im not there to feel their air and warmness of being around my family. my frens started to invite us to come over their houses so we can celebrate raya together. this is such a good idea.we wont feel bad coz we r celebrating raya too.

but,
in spite of all the happiness we tried to have today,
in spite of all the empty feeling we try to avoid today,
i still feel sumthing is missing,rite in my heart.

my worries still there,i know.
got it from incident that happened last week,
im still x fully recover. i still demand for explanation n way to make rite decision.
i hate the fact that it happened when Syawal is coming.
it doubles my sadness even.
i hope ALLAH will grant me strength, ALLAH will save me, n shows me the best answer.
n i hope this Ramadhan and Syawal wont be the worst i ever had.
i'v already felt something was lacking in my Ramadhan,
i dont wanna have distressing Syawal too.
ALLAH, i wanna be a happy person today...
ALLAH...blow away this restless feeling...i wanna smile..

~0RanGeVaNilla~