Peek-a-Boo

My bewilderment towards my own self keeps coming now and it's always knocking my consciousness.repeatedly.endlessly. like it never knows what ' fatigue' 'tired' 'exhausted' and 'sick' mean. then i question myself, y do i have this kind of thought keeps coming into my mind?

maybe i'm not a great observant. but i do know how to differentiate things. make a comparison to see how far have i gone and how far have others achieved. sometimes i do have a good instinct on things. if at the kickoff i have already felt uneasy, i know the thing wont be ended nicely  . 

i have a strong believe in instinct. but, if i were to make reflections on my days of life,along these 22years and 10 months, i cant say my instinct is valid to be used as a base of my stories. coz if i were to start with the day 1 of my existence, i knew not who i am gonna be in the future, i knew not what will come along the way of my very own life, not even knew in which family will i be, and never know till now what life really can offer me in few years ahead.i know not now whether my journey will be safe or not. see,  instinct just comes to give a hint on how things might go. good or not. should or shouldn't i do it. but in certain circumstances, our initial feelings on things won't lead to its final result. yet, i still believe in instinct coz it has helped me few times, especially in relationship matters.

at this very moment, i'm playing a peek-a-boo but my version of peek-a-boo is not enjoyable and exciting at all. coz i'm hiding all the time and if somebody sees me or finds me, i'm dead. 

so where am i going?? keep on running or stay? or just walk steadily at the same pace? i know now i have written lotsa twists. coz life is never easy. to describe the difficulties, a piece of writing will never ever be able to do dat. and now, i do know what i'm feeling, i do know the reasons for those feelings,but i dont know how to express it exactly and precisely coz it is complicated. nobody will understand,unless we have gone through the same things. try the hardest u can, put ur self in one's shoes. dat's merely an idiom. imagination and empathy wont really help, coz u might forget bout it finally. but if u do experience, and it has became a part of ur life, u'l know.Listen to the song from Ahli Fikir group, 'Tik Tok Simpati', they sing "tik tok tik tok tik tok tik simpati..suiz letrik pun dimati..disitu simpati berhenti...".

i'l say,yes,yes,yes. they are so right!! 

:It's always Dark before the Dawn:

I guess i'm approaching a new phase of life now. As a new year will begin in few days' time, i can see the pattern of my daily routines,how i make use of my times and what comes to my concern also slowly undergo few adjustments and changes.

i thought everything is gonna be so though and impossible. it is hard, but at the certain degree, it is also not that difficult. Thank You ALLAH! i know it is still too far to make any conclusion. i don't need the conclusion tho. for the time being, i just wanna live my life a bit better than before. i don't ask for more, but i just wanna smile and have all the pains blown away. away, with not even a tiny size of anger, revenge and unnecessary jealousy residing the little space in my heart. 

if i ask my friends, they would say, i have been wasted my precious times in Auckland for a year, A YEAR, crying over things that never worth my tears.but i wont say that. i'l say, it might be a promise that i have agreed with God  before i was born, to test my existence and obedience as His servant on this very earth. to make me become more appreciative towards and be able to value something or someone who will come in my future life better. IF it meant to be a mistake, then it was a mistake that i'v never intended to do. IF i ever knew it will end this way, i might have left long time ago, but what i did was, i tried to be the best person who devoted her promises n love with all her best. regret? i shudn't say that. bcoz when i did it, i was sincere. i have tried my best, but eventually it never turned  the way we always wanted it to be.

there are things in this life, when they are not meant for us, it will stay that way.when they cross our mind, when we try to make them become reality or to turn them upside down, that won't be happened. never ever. no matter how we believe 'everything is possible if we put an effort on it' or ' try to be a sticking finger' , if it doesn't mean for us,again,  it'll never b. i'm not trying to make people lose hope or feel demotivated here, but it's a truth. there are things like dat which people should accept as a fate. my lecturer once said, 'try to b a sticking finger and people will knock u down'. yes, dat's the mentality people nowadays have, never feel easy with what others do. but in my situation, i was not trying to be a sticking finger just to see whether people knock me down or not, cos they did knock me down, but i was believed that 'differences' do not promise our happiness, but the understandability and compatibility we have will do. but, when the understandability and compatibility are no longer there, you know what happens.

i'm on my way to search for a bright side of my journey of life. i'm seeing a very dim light in front there, and there are fireflies fly around along this pretty dark path i'm walking through. i started to see the sunshine as i open my eyes in the morning. it's still to far but i'm glad that ALLAH has guided  me till  i reached here, where finally i'm able to open my eyes n mind and see how beautiful he has created this life and be grateful to realize that life will never end just because we've lost something we treasured so much before.like a rainbow appears after rain, like there's always dark before dawn, it's always a better life for us after all the rains and storms we had to face. 

i believe, someone is getting his rainbow and sunshine too now. coz i never blame him for everything happened and never want to punish him with my anger and revenge. i have zero of those things, but thousands good things about him in my mind. he was a good person. we were a perfect lovebird,but  it was the situation which not perfect enough. and, yes. we cant decide our fate and destiny to follow our own way,coz ALLAH  always knows best. have a faith, but.. only to ALLAH. :)))))

" teman yang baik adalah teman yang sentiasa ada disisi disaat kita melalui detik-detik yang sukar dan disaat kite mahukan seseorang untuk bergelak ketawa. "

~0RanGeVaNilla~

-Sigh-

I'm counting days and having a mix feeling now. i always missing Auckland but how i'm gonna live my life makes me ponder for a while. surprisingly, my brain deny to do da job. so no conclusion gained. i wanna live it to the fullest. that's all.

I'm reminiscing what i have done since i came back here. im totally jobless and friendless. the good things happened to me were only :

1) my best friend is married

2)i went out few times and drove the car by myself

3)i can call Zana most of time to go out since she is pretty near and always free

4)i have good times resting at home

5)i'v started liking my permed hair

my life is slow and steady. few days back, i felt confusion over certain particular things. but slowly i'v stopped thinking bout it. im no more wanna give it a damn. without doing anything and being a great idler, im still feel so tired.my brain works a bit slower lately. and i can just give a sigh to myself. haihhh.

~0RanGeVaNilla~