Peek-a-Boo

My bewilderment towards my own self keeps coming now and it's always knocking my consciousness.repeatedly.endlessly. like it never knows what ' fatigue' 'tired' 'exhausted' and 'sick' mean. then i question myself, y do i have this kind of thought keeps coming into my mind?

maybe i'm not a great observant. but i do know how to differentiate things. make a comparison to see how far have i gone and how far have others achieved. sometimes i do have a good instinct on things. if at the kickoff i have already felt uneasy, i know the thing wont be ended nicely  . 

i have a strong believe in instinct. but, if i were to make reflections on my days of life,along these 22years and 10 months, i cant say my instinct is valid to be used as a base of my stories. coz if i were to start with the day 1 of my existence, i knew not who i am gonna be in the future, i knew not what will come along the way of my very own life, not even knew in which family will i be, and never know till now what life really can offer me in few years ahead.i know not now whether my journey will be safe or not. see,  instinct just comes to give a hint on how things might go. good or not. should or shouldn't i do it. but in certain circumstances, our initial feelings on things won't lead to its final result. yet, i still believe in instinct coz it has helped me few times, especially in relationship matters.

at this very moment, i'm playing a peek-a-boo but my version of peek-a-boo is not enjoyable and exciting at all. coz i'm hiding all the time and if somebody sees me or finds me, i'm dead. 

so where am i going?? keep on running or stay? or just walk steadily at the same pace? i know now i have written lotsa twists. coz life is never easy. to describe the difficulties, a piece of writing will never ever be able to do dat. and now, i do know what i'm feeling, i do know the reasons for those feelings,but i dont know how to express it exactly and precisely coz it is complicated. nobody will understand,unless we have gone through the same things. try the hardest u can, put ur self in one's shoes. dat's merely an idiom. imagination and empathy wont really help, coz u might forget bout it finally. but if u do experience, and it has became a part of ur life, u'l know.Listen to the song from Ahli Fikir group, 'Tik Tok Simpati', they sing "tik tok tik tok tik tok tik simpati..suiz letrik pun dimati..disitu simpati berhenti...".

i'l say,yes,yes,yes. they are so right!! 

:It's always Dark before the Dawn:

I guess i'm approaching a new phase of life now. As a new year will begin in few days' time, i can see the pattern of my daily routines,how i make use of my times and what comes to my concern also slowly undergo few adjustments and changes.

i thought everything is gonna be so though and impossible. it is hard, but at the certain degree, it is also not that difficult. Thank You ALLAH! i know it is still too far to make any conclusion. i don't need the conclusion tho. for the time being, i just wanna live my life a bit better than before. i don't ask for more, but i just wanna smile and have all the pains blown away. away, with not even a tiny size of anger, revenge and unnecessary jealousy residing the little space in my heart. 

if i ask my friends, they would say, i have been wasted my precious times in Auckland for a year, A YEAR, crying over things that never worth my tears.but i wont say that. i'l say, it might be a promise that i have agreed with God  before i was born, to test my existence and obedience as His servant on this very earth. to make me become more appreciative towards and be able to value something or someone who will come in my future life better. IF it meant to be a mistake, then it was a mistake that i'v never intended to do. IF i ever knew it will end this way, i might have left long time ago, but what i did was, i tried to be the best person who devoted her promises n love with all her best. regret? i shudn't say that. bcoz when i did it, i was sincere. i have tried my best, but eventually it never turned  the way we always wanted it to be.

there are things in this life, when they are not meant for us, it will stay that way.when they cross our mind, when we try to make them become reality or to turn them upside down, that won't be happened. never ever. no matter how we believe 'everything is possible if we put an effort on it' or ' try to be a sticking finger' , if it doesn't mean for us,again,  it'll never b. i'm not trying to make people lose hope or feel demotivated here, but it's a truth. there are things like dat which people should accept as a fate. my lecturer once said, 'try to b a sticking finger and people will knock u down'. yes, dat's the mentality people nowadays have, never feel easy with what others do. but in my situation, i was not trying to be a sticking finger just to see whether people knock me down or not, cos they did knock me down, but i was believed that 'differences' do not promise our happiness, but the understandability and compatibility we have will do. but, when the understandability and compatibility are no longer there, you know what happens.

i'm on my way to search for a bright side of my journey of life. i'm seeing a very dim light in front there, and there are fireflies fly around along this pretty dark path i'm walking through. i started to see the sunshine as i open my eyes in the morning. it's still to far but i'm glad that ALLAH has guided  me till  i reached here, where finally i'm able to open my eyes n mind and see how beautiful he has created this life and be grateful to realize that life will never end just because we've lost something we treasured so much before.like a rainbow appears after rain, like there's always dark before dawn, it's always a better life for us after all the rains and storms we had to face. 

i believe, someone is getting his rainbow and sunshine too now. coz i never blame him for everything happened and never want to punish him with my anger and revenge. i have zero of those things, but thousands good things about him in my mind. he was a good person. we were a perfect lovebird,but  it was the situation which not perfect enough. and, yes. we cant decide our fate and destiny to follow our own way,coz ALLAH  always knows best. have a faith, but.. only to ALLAH. :)))))

" teman yang baik adalah teman yang sentiasa ada disisi disaat kita melalui detik-detik yang sukar dan disaat kite mahukan seseorang untuk bergelak ketawa. "

~0RanGeVaNilla~

-Sigh-

I'm counting days and having a mix feeling now. i always missing Auckland but how i'm gonna live my life makes me ponder for a while. surprisingly, my brain deny to do da job. so no conclusion gained. i wanna live it to the fullest. that's all.

I'm reminiscing what i have done since i came back here. im totally jobless and friendless. the good things happened to me were only :

1) my best friend is married

2)i went out few times and drove the car by myself

3)i can call Zana most of time to go out since she is pretty near and always free

4)i have good times resting at home

5)i'v started liking my permed hair

my life is slow and steady. few days back, i felt confusion over certain particular things. but slowly i'v stopped thinking bout it. im no more wanna give it a damn. without doing anything and being a great idler, im still feel so tired.my brain works a bit slower lately. and i can just give a sigh to myself. haihhh.

~0RanGeVaNilla~

_ c0uld be... _

could be...

the whole world is against  me,

for choosing my way like this,

for having what i have today,

i know it.

could be..

it wont turn to be reality,

it's gonna stay as a fairy tale,

which never comes true,

but the hope seems never ends too,

i know it.

could be..

i'l grow old all by myself,

but you have your life completes,

and i smile whenever i see you,

while my heart cries..

i know it.

could be..

you trying your best too,

and i cant read it..

im not patient and throw my tantrum,

but beyond it, i love you more than you can tell,

you know it.

God,

i cant lie to myself,

i cant pretend all the times..

i cant help but say...

i love him.

i love him.

forgive me..punish me..

i love him...

='(

~0RanGeVaNilla~

:: Buh-bye contct lens!! T__T ::

tahniah tuk Cik Izzati sebab dia memang cepat2 bab2 mende2 yg terupdate kat laman sesawang neh. memang saya tengah rase macam breath-stopping gile sekarang ni,plus minor heart attack gak. klo ikot bahasa lainnye,mungkin mini culture shock.pe kaitan?? haha. x la. semput je. semput sebab ingatkan balik msia bawak NZD n convert ke RM leh jdi org kaya baru,rupanye jadi orang sengkek selalu. derrrr.

macam2 nak dibelinye kat sini. tpi tengok2 mane yg da bese gune kt auckland, kat sini hargenye macam nak terbang blik ke auckland gune roket laju. yg losen NZD4 dolar pun leh dapat dah jd RM19.90 kt sini.apakah?? charge kapal terbang ke?gugugugu. sakit kepala, nak pengsan!!!

huh!yg kt atas tu lak,,pasal kuar gi shopping semalam. yup,its true. gi wt cermin mata baru kt Focus Point, Ipoh Parade Shopping Mall. sekali tengok,, semata2 tuk memenuhi kriteria yg diinginkan,kena RM600+ -. daaa. alahai. lemah lutut. kalau nak amek yg ala kadar, mmg la leh dapat murah,tpi risiko??? sob. dan cik zati yg prihatin telah menjadi org pertama mendengar bebelan saya secara terbuka tu. kekekeke. dan katenye,,'silalah bertabah hati". 

betol tu zati! mmg tu je yg tinggal.keredhaan. ngeee. sebab kepala otak pon duk fikir nk sedapkn hati sendiri.ktenye " naz, dont be regreted. klo cermin mata cmtu,kat NZ,da sah2 NZD700 taw. sebab, nk gune frame best, nak lens best yakni Hoya high index lenses 6.7 ko tu...mene de orang nk bgi seposen dua!!ko tu pon ngade,,nak yg best2 aje, ni kalau convert ni kurang NZD 300.kire ok la kan?kan?? "

"no..no. bukan ngade nk beli mahal2. i have to. kalau x,ko ingt kat auckland  tu nanti mampu lak ak nak beli yg len klo jadi pape,klo x tahan lame???ok, NZD 300 sounds reasonable.." hati saya lak membidas dan setuju dengan ayat penyedap hati cik otak .hurrrmmm.

ntah laaa..perasaan yg sangat xbest sekarang ni mungkin disebabkn oleh angan2 yg knon pada awalnye nk jimat banyak ,tpi rupenye x jugak. mungkin jugak sebab tengok nombor nye besar sgt,sampai 600 bukan 300 cm selalu, n mungkin sebab taw xdpat claim.so rse nk la nangis jugak. pling xleh blah, rase terkilan n mnyesal..sebab mate yg xde silau ni tibe2 de silau 100 lak. huwaaaa.banyak sangat tu! ni da cm buta da,,,bukan rabun lagi. huuu. sedey taw! salahkn diri sendiri. 

uuu... ade xsesape de petua nak hilangkan rabun??de x??plizzzz. xsnggup da nk bertambah2 rabun n bertambah2 duit nk wt crmin bru dari thun ke thun. sob3. paling2 sedey tahap dewa langit ke 7, lepas ni penggunaan contact lens da xdigalakkan sama sekali . sob3. contact lens is my another obsession. how can live without it??huwaaaaa. T___T

S E D I H  T A U !!!!!  : ((

~0RanGeVaNilla~

::punish me::

im receiving my punishment now..for  being a very annoying, irritating and bothersome someone. i hate this. i wont be such person if theres no reason. i hate diz. i wanna cry.huksssss. i hate the situation only, n feel like blaming myself thousands times. yet,still love the person. hmm.

~0RanGeVaNilla~

- Crazy-

i dont wanna care bout anything anymore after this if it is not related to me. im so tired. i need rest. i dont know what happens to me lately but my life is full with mess. i should not let this ruins me, i have lots of other things to think about and to take care of. 3 weeks before i can fly back to Malaysia. my feeling is just like 'im x sure'. *sigh*

the crazy decision that im gonna make,it seems hanging there. no decision. undecided. still confused and i didnt have time to think bout it. but..its even more crazy now coz i started to feel like it is 60% of NO and 40% YES. haha. anyway, lemme be straightforward. i'v been thinking of cancelling my plan to go back to Malaysia this summer holiday. i wanna stay here and work. so it means im gonna burn my tickets from Auckland-Gold Coast-Malaysia which cost me approximately NZD550. such a big amount if u convert it into MYR.haih~

im so sleepy. my head is spinning n im so dizzy. i need rest. i need rest.




~0RanGeVaNilla~

:: Spring photos are ready!!! yey! ::

Hidup ni kadang2 penuh kekeliruan kan?? susah nak tetapkan hati bile buat sesuatu tambah2 lgi bile buat keputusan. hari ni memang hari yg xbest. gi kelas pukul 1 and skip lecture langtech sebab terlebih tdo smpai terbngun lewat tuk sambung assigmnt educ223 yg kena hantar hri ni. teruk..teruk...

lepas tu gi kelas Esol kul 2pm, dapat balik kertas ujian hari tu. markah pon mengecewakan. sekali lagi..teruk..teruk. then termenung je, dalam hati marah diri sendiri sebab xjdi pandai. mula2 skor A je test n assgmnt ESOL, da pastu, merosot pulak. ni mesti masalah hati perasaan la ni smpai otak weng. teruk..teruk..

pastu paksa diri..dengar btol2 pe John ajar hari ni. padan muke,skrg bru nk focus smpai tembus whiteboard. naseb bek jugak la tenung whiteboard je,klo dok tenung John tu ,mau dia jatuh cnta ngan ak lelama kang kn. yelah,kata orang,dari mata turun ke hati.gituuhhh!! then jalan kaki blik dari kelas, tpi singgah Auckland City Library dulu dgn Shu tuk pulangkn buku, rase lapa nak mati. nak decide nak makan kat mane pon lame sgt. Nk gi Mid City kebab ke, Nak makan kt Donair ke sbb shu blom penah try lagi makan kt situ or nak gi Ayuthaya je sebab Shu lapa nasi. aihhhh! tgk, keliru nk buat keputusan. but then finally. kitorg decided nk bawak hti yg lara ni gi mentakedarah kat Ayuthaya tpi... singgah dlu Donair tuk bli chicken nibbles and chicken fillet burger.oh mak! gile tamak n kebulurnye,dgn duit pon tggl sekupang dua neh ,selera nk besar jgk kn? sampai dua2 kedai nk gi. layan je la. pe nak buat,hti tgah sedih mane la igt nk makan sikit2. (penipu gile, ptotnye xde selera makan kan??). pastu da mkn2 nsi, ayam n burger tu jdi bekal mkn tgh malam jgk sudahnye.

dok2 lepak kt bilik melayan lagu favorite yg bru ( sbb yg lame da bosan da,xnak dengar lgi), smbil tu berjiwang sesorang, pastu CIk ZATI ( mmg ak wajib sebut la name ko ni,,aihhhh!) pon mengumumkn secara rasmi, dia nk wt tour @ photo delivery dari bilik ke bilik. sementara tggu cik zati, sempat la lipat baju sepuloh dua puloh helai. 

pastu cik zati pon dtg la bwk pndrive dia n bgi gmbr2 photo shooting hari tu.Elok je zati balik, Shu pon datang. ohh,,bru tringat,,kitorang de food yg kena dihabiskn mlm ni. so sambil2 makan burger n ayam, tgk la pics yg diambil oleh cik zati @ photographer kite. pastu rase hppy tibe sbb gmbr2 nye sume superb kan?? excited! perut pon da makin kenyang. lagi la senang hti. da lupe da sedih kt kelas ESOL tadi. semangat berkobar2 nk upload pics tu tuk mummy n daddy tgk.hoyeeeyyyhhh!! maceh cik Zati sayang! muahx3!!

so berbalik pada intro tadi, hidup ni mmg mgelirukan kn??tadi sedih ,skrg da happy sgt pulak..heee.teruk!!! 

=D

by the way,here the pictures :

solo pose by me =)

 hello peeps!!

the girls~

me n tulip

cool~

my dream sakura path n finally i was there!

~0RanGeVaNilla~

Happy Eid Mubarak..

Happy Eid Mubarak everyone,,,,finally,NZ got to celebrate our 1st Syawal today, 10/9/2009.
same day like Malaysia thus it makes us celebrate it 4 hours earlier than Msia and had been fasting for 29days only.
Syukran Ya ALLAH...i have my Syawal again even though its different this year. i wont be celebrating it at home, as usual . im celebrating it in foreign land, that what we have to accept as we become international students and stay far away from family.

i dont know how to describe my feeling. i was so tired that i  had to sleep early last nite but i couldnt sleep well. i kept on wake up out of sudden for few times and felt that something is missing. i dont know whether it because i feel sad of not being together with ma family today, of its because i feel sad as to many stupid things happened lately.

i do feel bad that i couldnt be with my family to celebarate Syawal especially my 1st Syawal. i cant see everyone bz preparing food with raya songs come out from everywhere as soon as i open my eyes. what i  saw today as when i opened my eyes were quite ,soundless room that belong to me, the dim light from my window as the sun just arose, and only two messages came into my hp. one from  my fren, hakim and another from my special.

then i felt sumthing missing again. still feel it till now.i feel like crying but i cant. i think i just ok to celebrate raya from far, away from my family. i can see them, i can call them tru ym, we can have vid call. i can see how they  celebrating raya,but still,i wont be same. im not there to feel their air and warmness of being around my family. my frens started to invite us to come over their houses so we can celebrate raya together. this is such a good idea.we wont feel bad coz we r celebrating raya too.

but,
in spite of all the happiness we tried to have today,
in spite of all the empty feeling we try to avoid today,
i still feel sumthing is missing,rite in my heart.

my worries still there,i know.
got it from incident that happened last week,
im still x fully recover. i still demand for explanation n way to make rite decision.
i hate the fact that it happened when Syawal is coming.
it doubles my sadness even.
i hope ALLAH will grant me strength, ALLAH will save me, n shows me the best answer.
n i hope this Ramadhan and Syawal wont be the worst i ever had.
i'v already felt something was lacking in my Ramadhan,
i dont wanna have distressing Syawal too.
ALLAH, i wanna be a happy person today...
ALLAH...blow away this restless feeling...i wanna smile..

~0RanGeVaNilla~

Kenapa tak tolong???

rase bersalah sgt tadi. sgt2. sebab mse blik je dri kelas ( lepas menghadapi hri yg dreadful dgn assgnmnt esol210 + test straight away lepas tu) .trjmpe lak de laki mt salleh yg duk keresahan depan pagar huia! dlm hti, ' ishhh..pe bnde pulak la ni,,jgn ckp org mabuk da laaaa..". cuak la jugak menengoknye tpi beranikan jgk diri lalu tepi org tu demi mmbolehkn diri ni msuk lam huia n mnemui encik katil yg dicintai.

elok je lalu tepi mamat omputeh tu,,dia jerit tnjuk tgn dia yg nmpk cm trkulai layu. pastu tgnnye cm bengkak n kemerahan. dlm hti lgi, "eh,,pesal ni?tgn sakit ke?nk mintak tolong ke?' .tpi dek kerana xfhm pe dia bebelkn, kitorg just blah je. msing2 da cuak sbb pikir tu org mabuk ke hape. tpi ak lam hti da berbelah bahagi,,nak gi tye dia pe masalah ke  x,,tpi dalam dok dilema diri tu,,ema dah lari msuk huia. katenye, " jom wehhh...takot.ntah2 org xbtol".yg lain sume ikot la mncicit lari msuk huia termasuk diri ku yg msih dalam dilema tu. xtw la npe,wlopon tkot kt org tu,,ak stil rse cm ksian n risau kt dia. ape motif?? ak pon xtw.

smpai je bilik,,dgn hti yg msih de sisa2 smpati ni,,ak jengukkn kepala ke luar tingkap. where is he???intai2 tgk pgar huia,,owh..xnmpk dri tgkap bilik. ak alihkan pndangan ke prking kete huia,,then nmpk la mamat tu tgh ckp dgn seorg awek omputeh gak. si mamat terus la mmegang tgn kanan dia yg bengkak tu dgn tgn kirinye. si awek pulak duk tertunjuk2 ke arah hospital smbil si mamat terangguk2 kepalanye.xlame pastu si mamat omputeh pon cube nk salam awek tu dgn tgnnye yg terkulai.then dia pon membelahkn dirinye ke arah hospital.dari situ ak mmbuat konklusi,,mamat tu sbenarnye sgt mmerlukan bntuan sbb tgnnye mgkin pth.


omG!!tibe2 rase bersalah menebal dalam diri. nape la tadi wt bodo je kan. hati mnjerit kate, "kenapa x tolong???". hurrmmm,,,di bulan bek ni,xdapat lak nk menolong org yg mmerlukan.msti mamat tu rse terkilan tdi,,sekumpulan mlaysian wt bodo je bile dia mntak tolong.xde sorang pon diantara berlima tu yg berpaling n cube tolong dia. i feel bad ,,really2 bad. kate org its ok,,its better safe then sorry.wat nye dia mmg mabuk,,haaa..xke naye?/but then bile terngiang tringt dia ckp, " hey guys,,,u didnt speak to me!" dgn mke pnuh mgharap,,rase bersalah  dtg bertubi2 lagi.ya ALLAH,,maafkan hambaMu ini....walaupun xdapat tolong mamat tu tdi,,ak mgharapkn dia selamat n tangannye akan cpt smbuh.smoga kesejahteraannye terpelihara biarlah dia bukan muslim pon.xslhkn doakan utk dia??hmmm...

~0RanGeVaNilla~