So not like home.

why i'm always be a person who lack of everything and has bad luck all da times?
i'm scared enough to do anything now coz every step i took, it was a wrong one.
why??

think this is not a good kickoff for me. i shudnt be here. i shud stay far and alone. all the sweet talks are fake. no, they might be true but it is not so right for a person like me. God, lead me please,,,lead me to the rite path.

this feeling is so not rite. im so not like im home. no. :(




~0RanGeVaNilla~

So??

im back to the place where i was belong b4. the very first day is always feel different. it is indeed different coz im no longer stay at the same place i'v been b4. my little tiny room that i'v left n miss so much now, has been replaced to a bigger one that is able to fit in 2 persons. me and shu.

i'm alone now. literally and metaphorically. shu hasnt come back yet. still in malaysia and i guess,she is having good times there. im here alone in this room. using em's lappy as my one couldnt be able to connect to the wireless.

whenever i walk around this house, i'l see Bill and Shafiq. im not totally alone ait? even when they left me 4times today, i had Coca with me. but i wonder, why do i feel alone? Metaphorically. it is.

im turning 23 in a month's time. does it freak me out to think bout the increasing of number? no it is not. but the 'cakap2 orang' does make me feel uneasy. im questioning myself. do i have a bad life now? do i choose a wrong way? do i act like an idiot who knows no direction at all?

i do what my heart feels like doing. i know.. i cant act just to fulfil what i feel like to have. but i have to act based on what my normal healthy brain tells me to do. so what now?

~0RanGeVaNilla~

Peek-a-Boo

My bewilderment towards my own self keeps coming now and it's always knocking my consciousness.repeatedly.endlessly. like it never knows what ' fatigue' 'tired' 'exhausted' and 'sick' mean. then i question myself, y do i have this kind of thought keeps coming into my mind?

maybe i'm not a great observant. but i do know how to differentiate things. make a comparison to see how far have i gone and how far have others achieved. sometimes i do have a good instinct on things. if at the kickoff i have already felt uneasy, i know the thing wont be ended nicely  . 

i have a strong believe in instinct. but, if i were to make reflections on my days of life,along these 22years and 10 months, i cant say my instinct is valid to be used as a base of my stories. coz if i were to start with the day 1 of my existence, i knew not who i am gonna be in the future, i knew not what will come along the way of my very own life, not even knew in which family will i be, and never know till now what life really can offer me in few years ahead.i know not now whether my journey will be safe or not. see,  instinct just comes to give a hint on how things might go. good or not. should or shouldn't i do it. but in certain circumstances, our initial feelings on things won't lead to its final result. yet, i still believe in instinct coz it has helped me few times, especially in relationship matters.

at this very moment, i'm playing a peek-a-boo but my version of peek-a-boo is not enjoyable and exciting at all. coz i'm hiding all the time and if somebody sees me or finds me, i'm dead. 

so where am i going?? keep on running or stay? or just walk steadily at the same pace? i know now i have written lotsa twists. coz life is never easy. to describe the difficulties, a piece of writing will never ever be able to do dat. and now, i do know what i'm feeling, i do know the reasons for those feelings,but i dont know how to express it exactly and precisely coz it is complicated. nobody will understand,unless we have gone through the same things. try the hardest u can, put ur self in one's shoes. dat's merely an idiom. imagination and empathy wont really help, coz u might forget bout it finally. but if u do experience, and it has became a part of ur life, u'l know.Listen to the song from Ahli Fikir group, 'Tik Tok Simpati', they sing "tik tok tik tok tik tok tik simpati..suiz letrik pun dimati..disitu simpati berhenti...".

i'l say,yes,yes,yes. they are so right!! 

:It's always Dark before the Dawn:

I guess i'm approaching a new phase of life now. As a new year will begin in few days' time, i can see the pattern of my daily routines,how i make use of my times and what comes to my concern also slowly undergo few adjustments and changes.

i thought everything is gonna be so though and impossible. it is hard, but at the certain degree, it is also not that difficult. Thank You ALLAH! i know it is still too far to make any conclusion. i don't need the conclusion tho. for the time being, i just wanna live my life a bit better than before. i don't ask for more, but i just wanna smile and have all the pains blown away. away, with not even a tiny size of anger, revenge and unnecessary jealousy residing the little space in my heart. 

if i ask my friends, they would say, i have been wasted my precious times in Auckland for a year, A YEAR, crying over things that never worth my tears.but i wont say that. i'l say, it might be a promise that i have agreed with God  before i was born, to test my existence and obedience as His servant on this very earth. to make me become more appreciative towards and be able to value something or someone who will come in my future life better. IF it meant to be a mistake, then it was a mistake that i'v never intended to do. IF i ever knew it will end this way, i might have left long time ago, but what i did was, i tried to be the best person who devoted her promises n love with all her best. regret? i shudn't say that. bcoz when i did it, i was sincere. i have tried my best, but eventually it never turned  the way we always wanted it to be.

there are things in this life, when they are not meant for us, it will stay that way.when they cross our mind, when we try to make them become reality or to turn them upside down, that won't be happened. never ever. no matter how we believe 'everything is possible if we put an effort on it' or ' try to be a sticking finger' , if it doesn't mean for us,again,  it'll never b. i'm not trying to make people lose hope or feel demotivated here, but it's a truth. there are things like dat which people should accept as a fate. my lecturer once said, 'try to b a sticking finger and people will knock u down'. yes, dat's the mentality people nowadays have, never feel easy with what others do. but in my situation, i was not trying to be a sticking finger just to see whether people knock me down or not, cos they did knock me down, but i was believed that 'differences' do not promise our happiness, but the understandability and compatibility we have will do. but, when the understandability and compatibility are no longer there, you know what happens.

i'm on my way to search for a bright side of my journey of life. i'm seeing a very dim light in front there, and there are fireflies fly around along this pretty dark path i'm walking through. i started to see the sunshine as i open my eyes in the morning. it's still to far but i'm glad that ALLAH has guided  me till  i reached here, where finally i'm able to open my eyes n mind and see how beautiful he has created this life and be grateful to realize that life will never end just because we've lost something we treasured so much before.like a rainbow appears after rain, like there's always dark before dawn, it's always a better life for us after all the rains and storms we had to face. 

i believe, someone is getting his rainbow and sunshine too now. coz i never blame him for everything happened and never want to punish him with my anger and revenge. i have zero of those things, but thousands good things about him in my mind. he was a good person. we were a perfect lovebird,but  it was the situation which not perfect enough. and, yes. we cant decide our fate and destiny to follow our own way,coz ALLAH  always knows best. have a faith, but.. only to ALLAH. :)))))

" teman yang baik adalah teman yang sentiasa ada disisi disaat kita melalui detik-detik yang sukar dan disaat kite mahukan seseorang untuk bergelak ketawa. "

~0RanGeVaNilla~

-Sigh-

I'm counting days and having a mix feeling now. i always missing Auckland but how i'm gonna live my life makes me ponder for a while. surprisingly, my brain deny to do da job. so no conclusion gained. i wanna live it to the fullest. that's all.

I'm reminiscing what i have done since i came back here. im totally jobless and friendless. the good things happened to me were only :

1) my best friend is married

2)i went out few times and drove the car by myself

3)i can call Zana most of time to go out since she is pretty near and always free

4)i have good times resting at home

5)i'v started liking my permed hair

my life is slow and steady. few days back, i felt confusion over certain particular things. but slowly i'v stopped thinking bout it. im no more wanna give it a damn. without doing anything and being a great idler, im still feel so tired.my brain works a bit slower lately. and i can just give a sigh to myself. haihhh.

~0RanGeVaNilla~

_ c0uld be... _

could be...

the whole world is against  me,

for choosing my way like this,

for having what i have today,

i know it.

could be..

it wont turn to be reality,

it's gonna stay as a fairy tale,

which never comes true,

but the hope seems never ends too,

i know it.

could be..

i'l grow old all by myself,

but you have your life completes,

and i smile whenever i see you,

while my heart cries..

i know it.

could be..

you trying your best too,

and i cant read it..

im not patient and throw my tantrum,

but beyond it, i love you more than you can tell,

you know it.

God,

i cant lie to myself,

i cant pretend all the times..

i cant help but say...

i love him.

i love him.

forgive me..punish me..

i love him...

='(

~0RanGeVaNilla~

:: Buh-bye contct lens!! T__T ::

tahniah tuk Cik Izzati sebab dia memang cepat2 bab2 mende2 yg terupdate kat laman sesawang neh. memang saya tengah rase macam breath-stopping gile sekarang ni,plus minor heart attack gak. klo ikot bahasa lainnye,mungkin mini culture shock.pe kaitan?? haha. x la. semput je. semput sebab ingatkan balik msia bawak NZD n convert ke RM leh jdi org kaya baru,rupanye jadi orang sengkek selalu. derrrr.

macam2 nak dibelinye kat sini. tpi tengok2 mane yg da bese gune kt auckland, kat sini hargenye macam nak terbang blik ke auckland gune roket laju. yg losen NZD4 dolar pun leh dapat dah jd RM19.90 kt sini.apakah?? charge kapal terbang ke?gugugugu. sakit kepala, nak pengsan!!!

huh!yg kt atas tu lak,,pasal kuar gi shopping semalam. yup,its true. gi wt cermin mata baru kt Focus Point, Ipoh Parade Shopping Mall. sekali tengok,, semata2 tuk memenuhi kriteria yg diinginkan,kena RM600+ -. daaa. alahai. lemah lutut. kalau nak amek yg ala kadar, mmg la leh dapat murah,tpi risiko??? sob. dan cik zati yg prihatin telah menjadi org pertama mendengar bebelan saya secara terbuka tu. kekekeke. dan katenye,,'silalah bertabah hati". 

betol tu zati! mmg tu je yg tinggal.keredhaan. ngeee. sebab kepala otak pon duk fikir nk sedapkn hati sendiri.ktenye " naz, dont be regreted. klo cermin mata cmtu,kat NZ,da sah2 NZD700 taw. sebab, nk gune frame best, nak lens best yakni Hoya high index lenses 6.7 ko tu...mene de orang nk bgi seposen dua!!ko tu pon ngade,,nak yg best2 aje, ni kalau convert ni kurang NZD 300.kire ok la kan?kan?? "

"no..no. bukan ngade nk beli mahal2. i have to. kalau x,ko ingt kat auckland  tu nanti mampu lak ak nak beli yg len klo jadi pape,klo x tahan lame???ok, NZD 300 sounds reasonable.." hati saya lak membidas dan setuju dengan ayat penyedap hati cik otak .hurrrmmm.

ntah laaa..perasaan yg sangat xbest sekarang ni mungkin disebabkn oleh angan2 yg knon pada awalnye nk jimat banyak ,tpi rupenye x jugak. mungkin jugak sebab tengok nombor nye besar sgt,sampai 600 bukan 300 cm selalu, n mungkin sebab taw xdpat claim.so rse nk la nangis jugak. pling xleh blah, rase terkilan n mnyesal..sebab mate yg xde silau ni tibe2 de silau 100 lak. huwaaaa.banyak sangat tu! ni da cm buta da,,,bukan rabun lagi. huuu. sedey taw! salahkn diri sendiri. 

uuu... ade xsesape de petua nak hilangkan rabun??de x??plizzzz. xsnggup da nk bertambah2 rabun n bertambah2 duit nk wt crmin bru dari thun ke thun. sob3. paling2 sedey tahap dewa langit ke 7, lepas ni penggunaan contact lens da xdigalakkan sama sekali . sob3. contact lens is my another obsession. how can live without it??huwaaaaa. T___T

S E D I H  T A U !!!!!  : ((

~0RanGeVaNilla~